Do I look Fat?

Wait – before you answer that… Don't. 
Please don't.

I already know the answer. The answer, of course, is no. And, what the fuck are you talking about? And, this again...

And yet.

I spent today in class looking at myself and imagining that if I only 'looked different' my life would be better. (Sidenote: my life is amazing.)

One thing that I've learned working in ED recovery is that the question of 'fat' is not about fat at all. It's a question of self-acceptance. Of insecurity. Of loneliness. Of you not realizing how divine you are. (As if fat could mean all these exquisite things!)

We covet everything but what is *already* ours.

I share this because, you know - human. Because I'm having a hard day and I don't need Shame's friendship. Because recovering ourselves means unabashedly recovery all the feelings.

Because I believe in vulnerability as a way to love.

Because I am you. I feel you.

And, because YOU are beautiful darling 



I've always been the girl to throw myself in and learn later. Skating. Yoga. Business. Marriage. With a sense of 'weeee' (and 'oh shit') I've done it. Again. And again. Maybe I just hope I'll never learn...

<You always learn>

The truth is I spend most of my life feeling ill-prepared. Fraudulent. Mistaking and dancing my way into knowledge. Over it. Around it. Through it...

...until I feel like I am going to throw up from a stomach of reality.

But then I always seem start again.

You might call it resilience. Perseverance. Purpose. Stupidity.


I often think I would have never done things the things I have, if I knew the struggle from the start. If I knew the heartbreak, self-doubt and misunderstandings along the way.

If I knew that the end is often a beginning....

<The couch seems *so* much sweeter>

But then, LOVE calls me again to start. And, I always seem to find myself in the foundations. And all the other bullshit gets rocked away.


There is an elegance to (re)starting with integrity.

Home is

I've been reflecting on the waves of my life; the places I linger; the places I flee. Eating disorders. Olympics. Marriage. Deaths. Dreams....

And, I've come to finally understand: 
There is holiness and grace in *every* place.

The dark place. The scared place. The broken place. The successful place.

The unknown place.

But - This doesn't mean we should live *only* there.

On Success...

It's taken me an Olympic games, an ivy-league, two businesses and countless other 'successes' to realize this simple truth:

Accomplishment doesn't set us free; it just builds attachment to accomplishment.

Freedom comes only when we realize that we never had to succeed to be Worthy in the first place.

May *this* be our practice.

Dear Hearts-

Can we learn to wake up as 'Enough'? Can we?

Even with dishes in the sink. Even with wobbly tummies. Even if we have to use autocorrect to spell zucchini (truth).

It takes practice... "I am enough". It takes vigilance and a willingness to choose kindness over conditioning. It takes you and me- 
Until we are sweating with the gleam of Acceptance.

Doing the laundry - 'I am enough'. Meditating - 'I am enough'. Fighting with our sweeties - 'i am enough' (baby).

Until one day, we wake up and not only is 'Enough' non-negotiable. 
It's Truth.